A Song That Makes Me Cry

Butterfly Kisses

This song makes me think of my dad. We danced to it at my wedding. While growing up, my dad was always different. I remember in the fourth grade, we were given an assignment to assign our family colors, as if we were a box of crayons.. I was purple, because it was my favorite color at the time. My mom was yellow, because she was the sunshine to me. My brother was brown, because he loved to play outside, and my dad was black, because he was always so angry. How sad that, as a 10 year old, you see your father as an angry person.

I also remember at about 12 ( I know I was in middle school at the time) we went out to dinner as a family. We usually went out for dinner on Sunday afternoons, and most often went to a small restaurant in Anoka called Bob's Country Inn. I don't know what I  had ordered, but my brother ordered a steak that came with a mushroom sauce. My brother hated mushrooms, and asked to have the steak without the mushrooms. My father told the waitress, "No, make it with the mushrooms, I will eat them" My brother said no, he didn't like the flavoring that it gave the steak. My father fumed about how no one was listening to him, and then said that he would rather eat his dinner without us and stormed out. Looking out the window, we saw him pull away. I remember our food coming, and us just sitting there looking at it. I also remember turning to my mom and telling her that one of our families apartment complexes were nearby, and maybe the manager could give us a ride home. We asked for take home boxes and packed up our food, and then walked to the apartment where the manager gave us a ride home.

I remember Saturday mornings when my dad would come and lay on my bedroom floor and talk at the top of his lungs got up, no matter how late I was up the night before. Or sleepovers with my girlfriends where he just couldn't leave us alone. Or how he would threaten and bully me to get me to comply with what he wants. Even as an adult, he will still call me, state what he wants, and tell me what he will do to me if I don't comply.

How sad he is. How sad that he can't understand why he is all alone now......how sad that he treats everyone in his life this way. How sad that I hear the song "Butterfly Kisses" and cry, not because of the relationship that I had with my father, but because of the relationship we didn't have.