I love babies. Who DOESN'T love babies? They are so precious and adorable and the way that they look at you with so much love in their eyes. I see babies and I know why Jesus loved the children so much. When I was a little girl, I used to tell everyone that someday I was going to have 12 children. That was my dream, to have a housefull of children and to just adore on them and be a mom to them. Crazy to think that I have never outgrown that dream. I still long to just be a mom and to have a housefull of kids.
Things didn't turn out like a planned. It seems that my body tends to reject being pregnant (those would be stories for another post) and I am not able to emotionally or pysically able to attempt to have more children. I am head over heels in love w ith the two miracles that I was blessed with (and they truly are miracles), but I will always continue to long for the family that I don't have. I watch the Duggars on TV and I get a pang of jealousy!
I went to a small town in MN today to meet my cousins new baby, and she was quite a sight to behold! A head full of hair and was so peacefull.....it made those longing pangs come back again. How I long for financial freedom, to be able to take the risk of trying again for one of my own.
I have a daycare now, and it certainly helps to be able to love on my daycare children on a daily basis, even though it is very much not the same. I am thankful to be home and to be with my kids, but I HATE being regulated by the state. How funny it is that I long to be a stay a home mom, and the moms of the children that I care for long for high positions on their career scales. I never wanted a career. I watch the Desperate Housewives and I long to live like those ladies. To spend my days keeping house, decorating, baking and visiting husbands at work and going to have lunch with kids in schools. To be able to be a part of the Tuesday morning bible studies or put the kids in summer programs. Freedom calls to me, and it hurts to not be able to answer it's call. I feel so strongly that I was put on this Earth to help people, to love on others, but I find it so hard to do because I have to chase the dollar bill so much in order to move forward. I KNOW that God has more in store for me, and I am excited to find it. Babies are only the beginning :)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A Song That Makes Me Cry
Butterfly Kisses
This song makes me think of my dad. We danced to it at my wedding. While growing up, my dad was always different. I remember in the fourth grade, we were given an assignment to assign our family colors, as if we were a box of crayons.. I was purple, because it was my favorite color at the time. My mom was yellow, because she was the sunshine to me. My brother was brown, because he loved to play outside, and my dad was black, because he was always so angry. How sad that, as a 10 year old, you see your father as an angry person.
I also remember at about 12 ( I know I was in middle school at the time) we went out to dinner as a family. We usually went out for dinner on Sunday afternoons, and most often went to a small restaurant in Anoka called Bob's Country Inn. I don't know what I had ordered, but my brother ordered a steak that came with a mushroom sauce. My brother hated mushrooms, and asked to have the steak without the mushrooms. My father told the waitress, "No, make it with the mushrooms, I will eat them" My brother said no, he didn't like the flavoring that it gave the steak. My father fumed about how no one was listening to him, and then said that he would rather eat his dinner without us and stormed out. Looking out the window, we saw him pull away. I remember our food coming, and us just sitting there looking at it. I also remember turning to my mom and telling her that one of our families apartment complexes were nearby, and maybe the manager could give us a ride home. We asked for take home boxes and packed up our food, and then walked to the apartment where the manager gave us a ride home.
I remember Saturday mornings when my dad would come and lay on my bedroom floor and talk at the top of his lungs got up, no matter how late I was up the night before. Or sleepovers with my girlfriends where he just couldn't leave us alone. Or how he would threaten and bully me to get me to comply with what he wants. Even as an adult, he will still call me, state what he wants, and tell me what he will do to me if I don't comply.
How sad he is. How sad that he can't understand why he is all alone now......how sad that he treats everyone in his life this way. How sad that I hear the song "Butterfly Kisses" and cry, not because of the relationship that I had with my father, but because of the relationship we didn't have.
This song makes me think of my dad. We danced to it at my wedding. While growing up, my dad was always different. I remember in the fourth grade, we were given an assignment to assign our family colors, as if we were a box of crayons.. I was purple, because it was my favorite color at the time. My mom was yellow, because she was the sunshine to me. My brother was brown, because he loved to play outside, and my dad was black, because he was always so angry. How sad that, as a 10 year old, you see your father as an angry person.
I also remember at about 12 ( I know I was in middle school at the time) we went out to dinner as a family. We usually went out for dinner on Sunday afternoons, and most often went to a small restaurant in Anoka called Bob's Country Inn. I don't know what I had ordered, but my brother ordered a steak that came with a mushroom sauce. My brother hated mushrooms, and asked to have the steak without the mushrooms. My father told the waitress, "No, make it with the mushrooms, I will eat them" My brother said no, he didn't like the flavoring that it gave the steak. My father fumed about how no one was listening to him, and then said that he would rather eat his dinner without us and stormed out. Looking out the window, we saw him pull away. I remember our food coming, and us just sitting there looking at it. I also remember turning to my mom and telling her that one of our families apartment complexes were nearby, and maybe the manager could give us a ride home. We asked for take home boxes and packed up our food, and then walked to the apartment where the manager gave us a ride home.
I remember Saturday mornings when my dad would come and lay on my bedroom floor and talk at the top of his lungs got up, no matter how late I was up the night before. Or sleepovers with my girlfriends where he just couldn't leave us alone. Or how he would threaten and bully me to get me to comply with what he wants. Even as an adult, he will still call me, state what he wants, and tell me what he will do to me if I don't comply.
How sad he is. How sad that he can't understand why he is all alone now......how sad that he treats everyone in his life this way. How sad that I hear the song "Butterfly Kisses" and cry, not because of the relationship that I had with my father, but because of the relationship we didn't have.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Things that make me happy
As I was venting to a friend this morning about some frustrations, she suggested that I try to focus on things that bring joy to my life. Here is a list of things that make me happy. I am sure that there are MANY more things then I will get down here, but this is what I have so far.
When my husband told me that I looked beautiful
Quinn
Chloe
feeling carefree
having a clean house
filling up the dumpster
going for walks
craft shows
Sitting in the sunshine
posting pictures of completed crochet projects
Desperate Housewives
Being told that dinner was good
Talking to Gena
Losing weight
Dancing to loud music
Splashing in puddles
Taking long hot showers
Fresh air coming in the windows
Thinking about going to Disney World with the family
Watching Chloe dance
Seeing Quinn score a goal
Glee
Randomly breaking out in song
Movie theater popcorn
Chipotle
snuggling a baby
when the children tell me that they love me
The smile on Quinn's face when I took him mini-golfing
When the leaves change colors
Envisioning freedom
Helping others
When my husband told me that I looked beautiful
Quinn
Chloe
feeling carefree
having a clean house
filling up the dumpster
going for walks
craft shows
Sitting in the sunshine
posting pictures of completed crochet projects
Desperate Housewives
Being told that dinner was good
Talking to Gena
Losing weight
Dancing to loud music
Splashing in puddles
Taking long hot showers
Fresh air coming in the windows
Thinking about going to Disney World with the family
Watching Chloe dance
Seeing Quinn score a goal
Glee
Randomly breaking out in song
Movie theater popcorn
Chipotle
snuggling a baby
when the children tell me that they love me
The smile on Quinn's face when I took him mini-golfing
When the leaves change colors
Envisioning freedom
Helping others
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Starting a Blog
I have never EVER blogged before. I have never even wanted to blog, and I am not quite sure that I know HOW to blog. BUT I just spent the last two hours (which I didn't really have to spend) reading through the blog of someone that I barely know, and it fascinated me. Not only do I now feel like I know her so much better, I also feel like it's not fair that she doesn't have that chance to know me as well. But in her blog, she talked about her child, her relationships, things that she is thankful for, things that she thinks about and changes in her life. She struggles with her self image and her body image, and has found an outlet to deal with it, and a way for others to hear her and support her. I love this idea and hope I can do it!
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